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The Word's Eye View is a newspaper column written by
Dr. James Modlish

Murphy's Law

Life is often punctuated with periods of difficulty that weigh heavy upon the human soul. Many in this great nation are presently suffering from the anguish of unemployment and other ingredients of a sour economy. As much as we would like to see a remedy set in motion for everyone, it is impossible to lend aid to all in the usual ways. An 87 year old pastor friend of mine long ago realized the Biblical endorsement of humor for short term relief. “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22) Over his 50 plus years in the ministry he has accumulated his own set of ‘Murphy’s laws’ which are recorded in the back of his Bible. He fully recognizes the spiritual needs of mankind and does all he can to address those issues, but occasionally the best medicine for the emotionally downtrodden is to enjoy a good belly laugh. Hence, Murphy… “if it can go wrong, it will.” One man told me he was a subscriber to Gallager’s law who thought that Murphy was an optimist!

First, Murphy’s laws of politics: No man’s property, life or liberty is safe while Congress is in session. Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it just makes it worse. You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. The solution to a problem changes the problem. Inside every large problem are several small problems struggling to get out. The secret of success is sincerity; once you can fake that, you’ve got it made. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about. To err is human; to blame it on someone else is even more human. Never trust anyone who volunteers to assume authority. Science is true; don’t be misled by facts. What we call ‘progress’ is the exchange of one nuisance for another. If enough data is collected, anything can be proved by statistical methods. Lead, follow or get out of the way. Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. The longer the title, the less important the job. Two heads are not better than one if they are both blockheads. The worse the idea, the higher up the nut is who proposed it. A monologue does not make a dialogue. It is always easier to propose a solution than to define the problem. When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. Every solution breeds new problems. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity, and finally…blessed is he who expects nothing, for he will not be disappointed.

The astute reader can probably apply at least 80% of these to the present activities of Washington.

My friend has a long list of personals that should resonate with anyone who has lived more than forty years: It is bad luck to be superstitious. No child throws up in the bathroom. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. ‘Interchangeable parts” won’t. No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone who is willing to fake it. The whole is always worth less than the sum of its parts. Don’t worry about middle age; you’ll grow out of it. A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. If everything is ‘coming your way,’ you’re in the wrong lane. If you don’t care where you are, you are not lost. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. When the ‘going gets tough,’ everyone leaves. Eat, drink and be merry; and tomorrow you will be a big, fat , grinning drunk. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. The other line always moves faster. The nearest tool is the hammer. If it jams, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. No good deed will go unpunished. If you look like your passport photo, you’re too sick to travel. Live every day like it were your last, and pretty soon, it will be. If it says ‘one size fits all,’ it doesn’t fit anybody. There is more satisfaction in being a first-rate truck driver than a third rate executive. The light at the end of the tunnel is an on-coming train. If you are lying flat on your face, you can’t fall down. ‘Automatic windows” aren’t. ‘Leak proof’ seals aren’t. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something. You never find an article until you replace it. Anytime something appears to be getting better, you have overlooked something. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. Wisdom is knowing when to avoid perfection. There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn. The first category in the Yellow Pages never lists what you’re looking for. Turbulence is caused by flight attendants serving coffee. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. Big bang theory: Disorder expands. But the best is: when confronted with a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to a question… “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”